Ever wish your ex would be eaten by a crocodile, but don’t want the unfortunate manslaughter charges that come along with it? The San Antonio Zoo has a solution. The Cry Me a Cockroach fundraiser allows you to name a cockroach, rodent, or veggie after your special someone, and then have them be fed to a zoo animal. There’s also the option to send a digital card to let them know, and then promptly get blocked on all social media. For those wishing to revel in this kind of petty  revenge closer to home, Who Gives a Crap is offering disgruntled lovers a new way to double down on ‘you’re dumped’. Turn your ex’s love letters into toilet paper, with their Flush Your Ex campaign. That’s one way to wipe them out of your life.

For Valentines Day, sandwich chain Jimmy Johns released a spoof of The Bachelor titled MILF & Cookies. Don’t make us explain the acronym, American Pie was released in 1999 and Urban Dictionary is free. The campaign features “multi-platinum rapper & MILF connoisseur,” Yung Gravy (great business card) facing the tough romantic decision of which mature lady to romance. Yes, it’s funny and acceptable for this to be an ad campaign, no, it’s not acceptable when Leonardo DiCaprio dates a nineteen-year-old. I don’t make the rules. I am simply the Rod Serling to this nightmare of sexual politics.

Burberry came under fire recently for its Valentine’s Day campaign showcasing a number of real-life LGBTQ couples embracing each other. The responses are what we can now come to expect whenever a popular brand features anything other than straight white people. Ranging from the usual ‘too sexualised’ to ‘you’ve gone woke,’ to the more severe of labelling the inclusion of a model with a double mastectomy as the “glorification of self-mutilation.” It’s just too exhausting at this point guys. Calm down a little.

To paraphrase Cady Heron, Math is the same in every sexuality. Dating app Hinge just published its first report into the dating habits of the queer community. It’s almost boring how normal the findings are, communication is important, conversation is better than passion, the usual. The secret meetings about world domination are reserved for print publications.

Continuing the trend of fun statistic drops, one in five Aussies said they would be spending less on their partner this Valentine’s Day, citing the rising cost of living as the reason. Which makes sense; a holiday invented by card companies would be the first to go when that level of consumerism is no longer viable. There are no movies where someone gets visited by three ghosts who tell them the real meaning of Valentine’s day.

As Aussie as arguing about The Hottest 100, the annual summer Lamb campaign has dropped; this time poking fun at the overuse of the term ‘Un-Australian.’ The ad imagines an alternative reality in which offences like turning off the test cricket or not knowing the second verse to Khe Sanh get you banished to a Phantom Zone-esque anti-Australia.

What does Australia sound like? Answers cannot include a bogan yelling on a tram, or an increasingly angry magpie. Sounds of Australia, a national archive featuring sounds that “inform or reflect life in Australia” has inducted this year’s selection of iconic sounds. Joining the ranks this year are The Bee Gee’s Stayin’ Alive, the Neighbours theme tune and Julia Gillard’s misogyny speech. The archive now features over 160 sounds, comprising everything from radio jingles to AC/DC and the Divinyls. Although there are some glaring omissions, as there isn’t a bar in the country where you couldn’t get a response by yelling ‘have you ever, ever felt like this?’

NBC has unveiled the newest logo for the summer Olympics with the help of the woman the city was named after, Paris Hilton. In a tongue-in-cheek spot, the ‘famous for being famous’ socialite becomes the unexpected face of the Olympics. It’s a cute joke about the name, but for those of us nostalgic for The Simple Life reruns and a world where people famous for doing nothing weren’t a dime a dozen, Paris Hilton’s camp valley-girl performance is almost quaint.

Retro technology is making a comeback, to the vindication of record and polaroid owners everywhere. It’s not just a case of nostalgia selling, this particular wave is driven by the desire for the tangible. Clinical psychologist Dr. Jaime Zuckerman says: “this desire to hold something in our hands, to feel textures and weights, is something  visibly absent in our current society.” Anyone who remembers the visceral satisfaction of slamming a flip phone shut can relate.

As a fun stunt for this year’s Super Bowl, Blockbuster, the long-forgotten friend of every sleepover and rainy day, will release their first commercial in over a decade… on VHS. Embracing their status as a surviving relic, the last remaining Blockbuster store will be hosting a Super Bowl watch party where they will dust off the old VCR and play the ad in store. Then, assumedly, party like it’s 1999.

There’s a running joke amongst anyone who watches Friends reruns about how there’s no way Monica and Rachael could actually afford their spacious NY apartment on a waitress and sporadically employed chef’s salary. The ultimate Hollywood fantasy is not superheroes and magic, but comfortably affording both a spacious penthouse and frequent coffees. To cement this, someone with a good eye for real estate and economics has put together a list on how much your favourite screen homes would actually be worth today.

Extra, extra!

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